Salve

October 30, 2016

I’m sure there’s a nicer way to put it, but I don’t feel much like sprinkling pretty little glitter bits, so I’ll just deliver it as is: The past week, or maybe three and some change, have been more crap than candy.

Have you ever done all you can to look at only the sunny side of something until one day, it just doesn’t feel possible anymore? You open your eyes wider in the hope of letting in all the light you can, but the shadow moves faster than your eyelids and you find yourself standing in the dark, wondering if when you round the corner, the sun will emerge. That’s been my month.

I’m not a wallower. Honestly, wallowing is something for which I have little patience. Something I’ve never indulged. But a week of this turned into two and then forged on as the pages of the calendar flew from the wall. I was angry, then sad. When both faded into something resembling nothingness, I was startled. Angry was better. Even sad was better. The nothingness felt like there’d been a death, but with no body to mourn.

I gave myself the gift of silence and looked for an answer. When it came, I didn’t like it much. It seems I have a choice: truth or light. Right now, I don’t see them walking hand in hand, so I have to pick. I prefer light to shadow as I’m sure we all do, but at what cost? And if truth must be sacrificed for it, won’t the resulting light feel like a glaring fluorescent, flickering and fake?

I don’t have the answer. Until I do, I’m applying salve. I talk and laugh with my daughter every day, and I can exhale. I play with my grandchildren and come away washed in their natural light. Last weekend, I walked through the woods and gratefully accepted the love and understanding of the trees. Yesterday, I spent the day with two friends. Healing salve, all.

If you would be so kind, I’d like to ask for a favor. Please take a minute, close your eyes, and send me a bit of your love and wisdom. I’m feeling a little short on both right now.

Warmly,

Beth

 

 

 

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24 Comments

  1. Reply

    Julie

    Aww hugs sweet lady, sending you tons of love and healing light. Not sure how but I do know it will work out, whatever it is. Life seems very bleak at times, hard to push pass it. Love you lady . . . . a jar of salve on the way!

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you, Jul. I know you’re right–it will work out. It’s just kind of crappy right now. Thanks for the salve! ♥

  2. Reply

    Trish

    I will give you much more than a minute. I’ll send you love and light for the rest of my life. I’ll be back soon to give you another hug. Thank you so much for spending the day with me and Tammy yesterday!

    1. Reply

      Beth

      I loved hanging out with you guys! ♥

  3. Reply

    Gaelyn

    Sending you the best. May you find what you need. And know, you are not alone.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you so much. ♥

  4. Reply

    Jesse Chapman

    I love you, Beth. Your gentle spirit and kind words have helped me so often… way more than you will ever know. Right now, I am praying for peace, and love, and wisdom in your life. I am praying Divinity finds its way into your eyes again, and brings you to a place of joy.

    In the meantime, the only advice I have is to feel it…. all of it. Just wallow in the trouble surrounding you… then move on. You are a brilliant woman, you will know when it’s time.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you for all of that, Jesse. And you’re right about feeling the whole thing. That’s always what I tell people when they’re feeling this way. “Feel what you feel for as long as you need to feel it.” Thanks for the reminder. ♥

  5. Reply

    Tammy Minnis

    I’m not exactly sure what this is about but if it something that is held close to or inside your heart, I would give it time. Situations change. Perceptions change. Life is fluid and currents change eventually. Love you and I’m sorry your hurting no matter what the issue is that has you feeling skinned enough to not feel anymore. Sending you and your world healing thoughts and whispers of calm ease. Be peaceful my friend.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you, Tammy. Yes, I’m holding tight and riding this feeling out. It will change and it will get better. Reminding myself of that. ♥

  6. Reply

    Jo Heroux

    Good vibes coming your way in the light of peace. I know that truth is sometimes shrouded in darkness. It is sad and hurtful. Prayers for your peace to fall lightly on your heart. Huge hugs and whatever is happening, you are never alone. 💜

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you, Jo. Today is better than yesterday and I know in a few tomorrows, I’ll find my balance again. ♥

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you, Malcolm. ♥

  7. Reply

    Tai

    Not sure what I can do or say to ease the pain I hate to see you in. I will tell that I love you deeply and sincerely. Take some of my light, a lot of His grace and know this will pass. If you need me, I’m a call away.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thanks, Tai. You’re such a sweetheart. I’m certain I’ll get my footing again. On the way there, I’m going to inhale, exhale, and repeat. ♥

  8. Reply

    Cherie

    Ah, Beth , sadly I believe that at some point we have all been or will be in that place, that nothingness.

    I know that you know deep within that this too shall pass, and it will. But those moments when you feel swallowed up are lonely and wrenching and even frightening.

    Once on my road, I couldn’t hear that voice inside me and I was lost. All I could do was whatever I could in that moment. I listened to my breath and let it flow. I took baths and closed my eyes and floated. I read books and lived in those worlds for awhile. Mostly I felt numb and locked away.

    Then one day, I laughed at something ridiculous and enjoyed the sound it made. I held a newborn and felt joy. I cried and let it cleanse me.

    A friend reminded recently that she didn’t need me to help her by hiding or fading or fixing anything. She needed to be heard.

    We hear you. This will pass, and until it does you will be wrapped in the love and light your friends surround you with. Blessings to you, friend. Your magic will return.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Cherie, thank you so much for all of that. Beautiful.

      I’m feeling much better–I was able to address what had been troubling me. I’d tried to address it in the past and with some success, but this time, I was fully heard and my pain was met with love and understanding. I can relate to what your friend said–sometimes what we need most is simply to be heard. I’m over the hump and am oh so grateful. ♥

  9. Reply

    Ileene Pickett

    mY love and good thoughts for you are always there…unsolicited.and .constant..I hope you know that…

    1. Reply

      Beth

      I do know, Ileene, and I’m grateful for your love and support. ♥

  10. Reply

    Kat

    Dear Beth,
    If anyone understands this, I do. Lately, I have been going through a similar flood of emotions, or, should I say, lack thereof. It seems to be getting harder and harder to always be upbeat. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s just life. Whatever it is, we will both get through and come out stronger on the other side. In the meantime, give yourself a break from trying to be everyone’s sunshine. Love and hugs, dear friend.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Sweet Kat, I do think some of it is simply age, in the sense that as we grow more fully into who we are, we are less inclined to dismiss ourselves, our needs, and our voices in the name of peace. It’s wonderfully empowering to be steadily and unapologetically ourselves, but the flip side of that is that we must address life’s “stuff” rather than internalizing the distasteful so as not to rock any boats.

      So I guess fair warning to anyone in the life of a woman in midlife or beyond: Put on your life jacket because this boat is willing to sail on rough seas! 😉

      Sending you lots of love and hugs. Go ahead, rock that boat! ♥

  11. Reply

    Beverly Diehl

    Been there, felt that. Sending light and love and a bit of virtual salve.

    1. Reply

      Beth

      Thank you, Beverly. I’m soaking it in. ♥

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